Snow Cries Cold Tears
by CarbyLuv
Summary: *Carby*. Three years ahead. Can't explain to much or i'll give it away. Please r 'n' r. I will update if you all want me to and if I can think of anything to add! Thanks!
1. January 15th

TITLE: Snow Cries Cold Tears  
  
AUTHOR: Emily  
  
DISCLAIMER: I regret to inform you that I do not own any characters from ER. I do however own the one that I made up!   
  
SUMMARY: Three years into the future. If I summarize to much I will give it away. Please just read it!  
  
  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Please r 'n' r. Thanks so much! Oh...and there will be more. This is NOT a stand alone. E-mail me with any comments at diddy988@aol.com if you want!  
  
*Carter's POV*  
  
January. January 15th to be exact. Three years ago tomorrow was a day that changed my life forever. Nothing will ever be the same. I don't know if I could have made it this far if it weren't for her. She's all I have left. My pride and joy. The reason I wake up every morning. I mean, the memories I have will live on in my heart forever, but it's just not the same. I lie in bed and think about her. It's hard not to when I see her everyday. She looks just like her. It was hard to look at her when it first happend. Now she's the last thing I want to see at night, and the first thing I look forward to in the morning.  
  
As I lay in bed I hear footsteps walking towards my door. The clock says it is seven o'clock. She must be awake. The door creaks open and the most beautiful girl tip-toes in to the side of my bed. Her white-linen nightgown twirls below her knees. She sees that I am awake. She looks at me with her beautiful brown eyes as her curly, dirty-blonde hair bounces on her shoulders. She looks just like her.   
  
"Good morning Daddy." She smiles at me and jumps up onto the bed.  
  
"Good morning sweetheart." I give her a huge hug and she scoots in beside me in the bed. I know she knows tomorrow is the day. She looks at the calendar all the time.  
  
"Daddy? Why did mommy leave us?"  
  
She knew why. She asked the same question every January 15th. Each year on that day, she would do the same thing. She came into my room and asked the same questions. After all, she is only six years old. Things still confused me; imagine how confused she must be.  
  
"Do you remember what I told you last year? Mommy got in a bad accident. A car hit mommy and she got hurt." Just thinking about that day makes my stomach flip-flop. I can still see her lying there on that gurney. It made me feel so helpless.   
  
"But you are a doctor. Why didn't you help her?" I didn't know what to say. "Daddy...why didn't you fix mommy?" Her eyes glistened with tears and my heart broke.  
  
"Sweetie...Daddy tried and so did Aunt Susan. We tried as hard as we could baby. Believe me...we did everything. She was just to sick." I couldn't break in front of her. She wrapped her arms around my neck as I sat up. She cried into my shirt. I couldn't help myself. I cried and she knew it but she didn't care.  
  
"I miss her Daddy."  
  
"So do I. So do I. I'm so sorry." The tears seemed never-ending. I hugged her closer; her tiny frame comforted me.  
  
"Daddy? Are we going to go visit mommy tomorrow?" She turned her small hands into fists and wiped away the tears from her eyes.  
  
"Of course, Abby."   
  
Abby. That name. The most precious one I have even spoken. We decided to name her after her beautiful mother. She didn't like the idea at first, but I convinced her. I am so glad she gave in, especially now. My sweet Abigail Rose.  
  
"I think we should get flowers for mommy tomorrow. Like we did last time."  
  
"I think that is a wonderful idea sweetie."  
  
As I look up at my little Abby's face and see that she is no longer crying, I know we'll be okay. 


	2. Snow Angel

*Chapter 2 now up! Didn't take me to long did it? Anyways, I hope you like it. I know it's sad and i'm not going to write any more like this. But I have to finish it. Another chapter or so to follow this one maybe. Please r 'n' r. Comments welcome at diddy988@aol.com too! It was hard to write this. It's just so sad ::tear:: Thanks!*  
  
*Carter's POV*  
  
Sleeping is practically impossible tonight. As I lie here I can't help but remember. Memories flood my mind and I can't escape them. It scares me. What if one day I wake up and can't remember anything? No. That's not possible. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. I smile as I remember our first kiss. The feeling of her lips against mine. Her voice becomes so immanent in my head. We were okay.   
  
I roll over and see the empty spot on the bed. That is where I used to sleep. But ever since that tragic day I sleep where she once lied. It feels so empty now. As I look towards the nightstand the bright red numbers on the clock become apparent. It is only eight o'clock. What catches my eye even more, is what is right beside the clock. A picture. The two most special people in my life seem to stare at me. A precious little girl in her beautiful mothers' arms. I wipe away the tear before it escapes my cheek and dampens her pillow.  
  
My little girl needs her rest. She is going to visit her mommy tomorrow. It's past her bedtime anyways. I just lost track of the time. Then I see her. Sitting on the big couch she looks so small wrapped up in her mommy's favorite blanket. The one that they would lay beneath together whenever they spent time together. I glanced up at the television and saw them. My wife. My daughter. Abby was watching one of our many home videos. I looked at them once in a while but it was just to hard. I remember that day in the video like it was yesterday. Of course it wasn't. It was the last Christmas we shared all together. She must have noticed I was watching because she turned around and saw me. I just stood there, and for once didn't cry. All I did was smile.  
  
"Daddy, will you watch the video with me?" I couldn't resist. Her eyes drew me over to the couch. I picked my little girl up and sat her on my lap.  
  
"I love you sweetie." I kissed the top of her head and squeezed her tight in my arms. We wrapped the blanket around us and we watched.  
  
I was okay until the video came to this part. Maybe I thought this part would never come. Who was I kidding; of course it was coming. I see her opening her last present. I remember how excited I was getting when she was opening it. Then she finally got through all the wrapping paper and opened the box. Inside sat a gold necklace with an angel charm on it. I see the tears come pouring out of her eyes just like I did that day. I know that now I am on the verge of tears. But if I cry she will start to cry. I can't let her see me like that right now.  
  
She must have seen the tears in my eyes. She looked up at me from my lap.  
  
"It's okay to cry Daddy." Her words made me quiver and then I just let go of myself. I cried as we rocked back and forth. Then I realized that she was right. It was okay to cry; especially for someone you care about more than anything in the world. Strange how a six year old knew that before I did. Her words comforted me more than any other person, even my age, could have ever.  
  
We fell asleep watching the videos together. It made me feel alot better although I knew tomorrow would be hard. I had my strength. She would be right there with me the entire time.  
  
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"Daddy! It's time to go see Mommy. Aunt Susan is on the phone." I was awaken by her gentle push on the arm. I didn't even hear the phone ring. I almost forgot what today was.  
  
"Hey Susan." My tone was groggy. I was still tired.  
  
"Hi. How are you, ya know. How are you doing?" It was nice to know someone was concerned but I really was okay...I think.  
  
"I'm okay. Really I am. We watched home videos last night. I was upset at first, but after seeing those videos with my little girl, I really think i'm going to be okay."  
  
"Thats good. Abby told me what you are going to do today. The flowers and everything. I wanted to go visit today, but I didn't want to, you know, get in the way or anything," she said shyly.  
  
"Will you come with us Susan? I just...I don't think I can do it by myself. And I may need a couple minutes alone without Abby...so?"  
  
"Of course. If you really want me there. Are you sure?" She seemed kind of shocked.  
  
"Thanks so much. This really means alot to me. And I know she would have wanted you there with me. I'll pick you up around ten, alright?" With that, I put the phone down and picked up Abby.  
  
I showered and got dressed. After breaking down in the shower, I helped Abby get changed. She put her black-peacoat on and tried so hard to button it up herself. After trying to get the big black buttons in the right spots, she relentlessly gave in and let me have a go at it. I put on my jacket, took a deep breath and we went off.  
  
----------  
  
We arrived at Susan's just as she was putting her coat on. She opened the door and I gave her a hug. She looked into my eyes and saw the pain. Pain was seen in my eyes by almost everyone I knew and even those I didn't know. There were times when I took it out on other people. Something that Susan knew all to well. I am so glad that she forgave me. If she hadn't, I would be here all alone. I needed someone to help me with Abby. Susan is the only other person who's help I would ever want. She understands. She just gets it.  
  
"Hi Abby." Susan picked her up and squeezed her tight.   
  
Abby hasn't said anything about today yet and I am glad. My little girl is stronger than me, and maybe it's because she doesn't fully understand. Don't get me wrong; she knows her mommy is gone. She misses her profusely, but it's like she tries to deny her feelings in front of people sometimes. Like I said, she really is just like her mommy.  
  
"Aunt Susan? Are we going to get flowers for mommy?" Susan looked up at me and I approvingly nodded my head.  
  
"We sure are. Whatever you want sweetie. Anything for your mommy."  
  
We all hopped into the car and headed down to the flower shop on Main Street. The shop was small and quaint. The smell of all the flowers overtakes you as soon as the door opens. The bell rang as we walked through alerting the small store that someone had just arrived. We walked around and a vast assortment of flowers leaped out at us. Abby walked right over to the spot we went to every year. The roses.  
  
"Roses. Right Daddy?" She looked up at me with sparkles in her eyes.  
  
"Thats exactly right, baby." It was tradition. Abby loved roses. I would give them to her on birthdays, Christmas, and sometimes just to show her how much I loved her. She always said that she knew how much I loved her and that I didn't have to get her roses. But I knew she loved them.  
  
"I think you should get red roses. They show how much you love someone," she said matter-of-factly."  
  
"How did you know that Abby?"  
  
"Well, you love mommy and in the video last night you gave her red roses." She smiled up at me and she reached for a single red rose. It wasn't alot but she said that one rose was special.  
  
Susan picked out the white rose. And she gave Abby a single pink rose. Abby liked the pink roses. That was the tradition we have had since it happend. We payed for the flowers and got back in the car. This was usually the hardest part of every year. The drive to the cemetary. It gave me way to much time to think.  
  
----------  
  
I parked the car and sat there for a moment with a blank expression on my face. I glanced into the rear-view mirror and saw my little girl. I knew it was time to go. I was ready.  
  
We knew the way by heart. Even Abby knew how to find it. There it was. Not even three feet away. Abby led the way and approached the stone carefully. She ran her fingers over the words she knew by heart. 'Abigail Carter. Beloved Wife and Mother. My beautiful angel from heaven.' She sat her perfect pink rose down in the snow against the stone and sat down. Susan and I stood right behind her.  
  
"Mommy. I love you. I miss you so much. Daddy misses you too. Sometimes I hear him crying at night. I told him it's okay to cry. I know it's because he misses you. But Daddy said you were in heaven and that you are an angel. Daddy said you are watching us all the time. He said we will see you again one day. It's not fair. You are the best mommy in the whole world. I love you."  
  
She was trying to be brave but she cried softly. She kissed the stone and sat there. Susan knelt down beside her and wrapped her arm around her. She placed her rose next to Abby's and leaned over to kiss the stone. She sat there and whispered something. I don't think she wanted us to hear.  
  
I still stood there; my red rose in my hand. I was waiting for Susan to take Abby back to the car so I could be alone. I needed to be alone for a few minutes.  
  
"Hey Abby, how about we go back to the car and let your Daddy have a minute by himself." Susan wiped away a tear from her cheek and picked Abby up. They trudged through the snow and walked back to sit in the car.  
  
I sat down in the snow and placed my red rose with the others. I didn't really know what to say. It's not like you prepare what you're going to say. And there was so much I wanted to tell her.  
  
"Abby. My beautiful wife. I love you more than life itself. You gave me so much. My life, our daughter; the best years in my life were those spent with you. I miss you more than you know. I don't know how I survived this long without you there. The truth is, if it weren't for Abby, there really wouldn't be any reason for me to live. I truely wish it could have been me instead of you. The other day our daughter asked me why I let you die. I am a damn good doctor and I should have saved you. When she asked me that, I didn't know what to say. Some days I wake up and I am just so angry. Why did you leave us? It's not fair. Do you know how hard it is to raise a daughter without her mother? I know it's not your fault. In my heart, I know it's not my fault either. There is no one else to blame. Well, except him. The man that hurt you, but thats to easy. Of course he is to blame."   
  
I was crying. My tone became more stern and it seemed as if the whole world could hear me. There was no one else in the cemetary though.  
  
"Abby. It's true. There are nights when I cry myself to sleep. I can't help it. I'm not that strong yet. All I want is for you to wake up in my arms every morning. I want to see you at work everyday. Is that so much to ask? Maybe I am selfish. It's hard not to be when the person you love is taken away from you. I mean, what did I do? If it's not my fault that I couldn't save your life, even though I am a doctor, then what is it? Am I being punished for something?"  
  
I know they were waiting for me in the car. I said I would only be a few minutes. Ha. That was an understatement. It feels like I have been sitting here for hours. My legs are going numb but I don't care. I don't ever want to move. Eventually I will have to though.  
  
"Abby. I'll probably never get any answers. All I know is that I love you and not a day goes by that I don't think about you. When I see our daughter, I see you. We made a beautiful little girl. Her name could not be more perfect. She is just like you in so many ways. She's okay though. She misses you more than anything, but she's doing okay. Don't worry. She remembers her mother and she always will. And so will I. Forever and for always. Nothing, I mean nothing, will change that. I love you Abby. My beautiful Abby. Thank you for saving me; for giving us an amazing little girl; for every single memory you have ever given me. Oh yeah; Abby. We're going to be okay. Abby, I love you. Forever and for always."  
  
I kiss the stone and run my fingers over the engraved letters. I stand up and start to walk back to the car. I turn around one more time and at that moment the snow starts to fall gently. I smile and wipe the tears off of my face.  
  
"I love you Abby. Thank you, for everything." I whisper and look up at the sky. I know she is watching me. As I approach the car my little girl jumps out. She runs over to me and I pick her up.  
  
"Mommy made it snow, Daddy."  
  
"She did sweetie. Let's get home, okay."  
  
"Not yet. There is something I have to do really quick."  
  
She squirmed so I put her down. She motioned for Susan to come and grabbed my hand. She stood back in front of the stone. Carefully, she lied down next to it and moved her arms and legs back and forth. I helped her get up. Susan and I smiled as we looked down at the form she had just made in the powdery snow.  
  
"It's a snow angel. For mommy. You said she was an angel and she sent us the snow. Do you like it."  
  
Susan nodded and smiled.  
  
"It's perfect Abigail. Mommy will love it."  
  
We stayed there for a few minutes longer. Abby grabbed one my hand and Susan's hand. We walked back to the car and for a little while everything felt better. My Abby gave us the best present. My little girl. The snow was just a bonus. She really was watching over us.  
  
*Should I continue? Hope you liked it. I don't know how to continue if I do decide to. I know it was sad :( I am never going to make Abby die again! Promise! Thanks!* 


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